Preparing your toddler for a new baby: before, during and after

A new baby is one of the biggest changes in a toddler's life. NHS Wales says the arrival of a new brother or sister can be unsettling for a toddler who is used to your undivided attention, and suggests expecting some jealousy and resentment. KidsHealth's guide to preparing for a new sibling says it's common for older children to feel jealous and act out.

None of that means you've done anything wrong, or that your children won't be close. Preparing your toddler simply, keeping their routines steady, protecting a little time alone with them, and staying patient with "babyish" behaviour all help. So does planning for safety from day one, because a loving toddler still doesn't know how fragile a newborn is.

How do I prepare my toddler before the baby arrives?

Toddlers live in the present, so keep it simple and concrete.

• Choose your timing. KidsHealth suggests thinking about your own comfort and your child's maturity, and describing the arrival by season rather than months. The AAP's guide to preparing an older child suggests bringing it up early with toddlers so they can get used to the idea.
• Read together. The AAP suggests books about newborns and siblings, which teach words like brother, sister and baby. NCT's guide to parenting with older children suggests stories about a new baby joining the family.
• Make it real. KidsHealth suggests looking at your toddler's own baby photos, visiting friends with babies and helping pack the hospital bag. NCT suggests encouraging your child to talk to the bump or feel the baby kick.
• Involve them in planning. The AAP says involving older children in planning, such as shopping for baby things, helps them feel less jealous.
• Plan their care for the birth. KidsHealth suggests sorting out who will look after your toddler and talking it through so they know what to expect. The AAP suggests explaining that you'll be back with the baby in a few days, or when the doctor says it's OK to come home.

Should I make other big changes before the birth?

Try not to stack them. KidsHealth suggests making changes like toilet training or moving from a cot to a bed well before your due date, or waiting until the baby has been home for a while, and making any room change a few weeks before the due date. The AAP says the same: finish toilet training or the switch to a bed before the baby arrives if you can, otherwise wait until the baby is settled. See potty training and moving from cot to bed. KidsHealth also suggests keeping an older child in childcare if possible, to protect their routine; see starting childcare if that's new too.

How should the first meeting go?

KidsHealth suggests having your toddler visit as soon as possible after the birth, ideally when no other visitors are around. Many families find it helps to greet your toddler with open arms first, with the baby in someone else's arms or in the bassinet, so the first moment is about them.

The AAP suggests a special gift for your toddler, or a one-on-one outing with a parent, grandparent or other family member, so the focus isn't entirely on the baby. Let your toddler look, touch the baby's hand or foot gently and ask questions. If they show little interest, KidsHealth says not to force it; it can take time.

What helps in the first weeks at home?

1. Keep routines steady. NHS Wales and KidsHealth both suggest keeping your toddler's usual routines and activities going. Meals, naps and bedtime at familiar times are reassuring.
2. Protect one-to-one time. KidsHealth suggests setting aside time each day for your older child to have one parent's undivided attention, such as while the baby sleeps. Coram Family Lives, a UK family charity, suggests special one-to-one time so they don't feel left out. Even a short, regular slot counts.
3. Give them jobs. NHS Wales suggests asking your toddler to help with a nappy change and turning baby care into a game. KidsHealth suggests talking to the baby, pushing the pram or helping with a bath. Zero to Three suggests getting a nappy ready or choosing clothes, but says not to pressure a toddler who isn't interested.
4. Brief your visitors. KidsHealth suggests reminding relatives that your older child may want to talk about something other than the baby. Zero to Three suggests asking visitors to spend time with your older child.
5. Accept the feelings. NHS Wales says your older child might not love the baby at first. Zero to Three suggests letting them know their feelings are understood, then helping them find acceptable ways to show them.
6. Hold your usual limits. KidsHealth says not to bend the rules when your child acts up, but to think about the feelings behind it; it may be a sign they need more time with you.

What can my toddler do during feeds?

Feeds are when many toddlers feel most shut out. NHS Wales suggests finding something for your toddler to do before you start, or using the feed to tell a story or chat. The AAP's tips on older siblings and breastfeeding suggest telling a story, watching them draw or play, listening to music or audiobooks, or letting them help by fetching you a glass of water. The AAP's sibling guide suggests letting your toddler cuddle next to you while you feed. Many families keep a basket of books and quiet toys that only comes out at feed times, whether the baby is breastfed or bottle-fed.

Is regression after a new baby normal?

Yes. Many toddlers go backwards for a while after a new baby arrives. The AAP says to expect some regression, such as accidents in a toilet-trained child or wanting a bottle, and describes it as a way of seeking love and attention. NHS Wales lists asking for a bottle, wanting to be carried and wetting again, and calls it completely normal. Coram Family Lives lists bedwetting and not sleeping, and Zero to Three and KidsHealth mention baby talk.

Zero to Three says stepping backwards is often a sign of stress, and that children usually move back to age-appropriate behaviour fairly quickly when parents respond calmly. The AAP suggests giving the attention your child needs and praising them when they act more grown-up, rather than telling them to act their age. If sleep is unravelling, see bedtime stalling and the two-year sleep regression.

How do I keep the baby safe around a toddler?

Toddlers can love the baby and still be rough, jealous or simply too keen to help.

• Supervise every interaction. Cambridgeshire and Peterborough Children's Health, an NHS service, says to supervise older siblings when they interact with babies and be realistic about how much they can do. NCT says to always supervise care and play unless the older child is of a responsible age. In practice, don't leave a toddler alone with the baby, even for a moment; if you need to step out, take one of them with you.
• Holding and carrying. Your toddler can hold the baby while sitting down with you right beside them. They shouldn't pick up, carry or move the baby. The AAP says children who play with or help care for the baby need to be gentle.
• Feeding. Toddlers can help with feeds, but an adult holds the baby and the bottle. The NHS baby safety guide says to always hold the bottle and your baby while they're feeding.
• Food and small toys. The AAP's choking prevention guide says many choking incidents happen when older brothers or sisters give dangerous foods, toys or small objects to a younger child. The NHS says to keep toys for older children, which may have small parts, away from babies. Teach your toddler that the baby only has milk and baby toys.
• Bath time. The NHS says never to leave a baby in the bath for a moment, even if an older brother or sister is in the bath with them.
• Rough handling. Zero to Three suggests showing gentle and rough touches with a doll or soft toy, gently holding your toddler's hands and showing a safer way if they're rough, and moving them to another activity if it continues. See toddler hitting and biting.

If your baby can't breathe, cough or cry because something is stuck, call 999 straight away and follow the call-taker's first-aid instructions. The AAP recommends a certified first-aid and CPR course; an infant first-aid class is worth doing before the birth if you can. See choking vs gagging.

Can siblings share a bed or room with the baby?

Not a bed. Red Nose in Australia says that if a baby does share a sleep surface, they should never be placed in the middle of two adults or next to other children or pets, and that the safest place for a baby is their own safe sleep space. The Lullaby Trust in the UK says not to bring other children or pets into bed with you and your baby.

Australia's Red Nose's six safe sleep recommendations are to always place your baby on their back, keep their head and face uncovered, keep them smoke-free, provide a safe sleeping environment night and day, sleep them in their own safe sleep space in the same room as a parent or carer for at least the first 6 months, and breastfeed if possible. Your toddler can't be the "room-sharer"; it needs to be an adult. See safe sleep.

When should I get help?

Talk to your GP or health visitor if:

• your toddler's distress, aggression or regression is getting worse after several weeks rather than easing, or you can't keep the baby safe; Zero to Three's guide to aggressive behaviour suggests getting support sooner when a child starts acting aggressively after a major life change
• your toddler seems very withdrawn, anxious or sad, or stops eating or sleeping well for a long stretch
• you're finding it hard to cope with two

A new baby brings a lot of change for you too. If your mood is low or you feel anxious most days, talk to your GP or call Samaritans on 116 123; see postnatal mood. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or your children, call Samaritans on 116 123 or 999 now.

What's worth noting down?

In the first few weeks, a quick note of when your toddler struggles most (during feeds, at bedtime, when visitors come) often shows where a small change would help, such as a feed-time basket or a set slot of one-to-one time. It also helps you see that regression is easing, even when individual days feel hard.