Separation anxiety is the distress babies and toddlers feel when they're apart from the people they're closest to. The NHS page on separation anxiety says it's common between 6 months and 3 years. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says most babies develop stronger separation anxiety at around 9 months, and calls it an entirely normal behaviour and a sign of meaningful attachment. Short, consistent goodbyes, keeping your promises about coming back and practising time apart help most. It usually eases with age, but it's worth talking to a professional if it's severe or not improving.
Why does separation anxiety happen?
Your baby is starting to understand that they're a separate person from you, and that you still exist when you're out of sight. The NHS describes it as a sign your baby now realises they're separate from you and depends on their carers. KidsHealth's guide to separation anxiety explains that babies don't yet understand time, so they can't know you'll come back, and that's what makes a goodbye upsetting.
The Australian Government's Pregnancy, Birth and Baby guide says separation anxiety is not a sign you're doing anything wrong. It's a sign your child has a healthy attachment to you, which is important for their development.
When does separation anxiety start and peak?
Sources describe slightly different ages, because children vary so much. Some skip it as babies and show it as toddlers; some never have much at all.
| Age | What sources say |
|---|---|
| 4–5 months | Some babies show early signs (AAP) |
| About 6 months | It usually starts (Pregnancy, Birth and Baby) |
| Around 9 months | Most babies develop stronger separation anxiety (AAP) |
| 12–24 months | It peaks (AAP child care guide) |
| Around 2 years | It usually fades (AAP sleep guide) |
| School age | It usually lessens (Pregnancy, Birth and Baby) |
The AAP notes that some children don't start until 15 or 18 months. The NHS says it can last longer or come back during stressful times, and KidsHealth adds that a new sibling, a move or a new carer can bring it on or back. The AAP's child care drop-off guide says stranger anxiety usually appears between 7 and 12 months, which can make a new carer harder too.
What are the signs of separation anxiety?
Signs listed by the NHS, KidsHealth and Pregnancy, Birth and Baby include:
- crying or clinging when you leave, or even leave the room
- refusing to be comforted by anyone else
- being upset in new situations or with unfamiliar people
- tantrums, shyness, or refusing to speak
- trouble sleeping, or waking more at night
- in some children, tummy aches, headaches or feeling sick
The AAP says separations are harder when children are hungry, tired or unwell, and toddler protests can be loud, tearful and difficult to stop. Many children settle soon after the parent has gone, as KidsHealth notes, even if the goodbye was hard.
How do I handle goodbyes and drop-off?
- Always say goodbye. Pregnancy, Birth and Baby advises never leaving without saying goodbye. The AAP warns that sneaking away can make a child clingier, because they never know when you'll disappear next.
- Keep it short and the same every time. The AAP suggests a brief ritual, such as a special kiss or wave, at the same time each day. A long goodbye lengthens the upset.
- Stay positive. The NHS suggests smiling and waving, because your child picks up on your tension.
- Say when you'll be back, in their terms. Use "after lunch" or "after your nap" rather than clock times, then keep your word. The AAP says keeping promises builds your child's confidence.
- Leave, and don't come back to check. The AAP advises not reappearing once you've left unless you're staying.
- Time it well. KidsHealth suggests leaving after naps and meals, rather than when your child is tired or hungry.
- Reunite warmly. Pregnancy, Birth and Baby suggests giving your child your full attention when you come back, so they learn that you always return.
How can we practise short separations at home?
The NHS suggests starting with short separations and gradually working towards longer ones, then leaving your child in less familiar settings. Pregnancy, Birth and Baby suggests telling your child where you're going even for small separations, such as having a shower or working in another room while someone else cares for them.
- Start with a minute or two in the next room while another adult is with your child, and say where you're going.
- Many families find games like peekaboo and hide-and-seek help babies practise "gone, then back" in a fun way.
- Build up to short outings with a grandparent or familiar sitter. The AAP suggests time with grandparents, playdates or sitters before starting child care.
- If you can, leave your child with someone they already know well, as the NHS suggests.
How can I help my child settle into childcare?
Starting care is one of the biggest separations, so a gradual start helps.
- Visit together first. Pregnancy, Birth and Baby suggests going with your child the first time so they see you're comfortable there. KidsHealth suggests a few visits before your child starts full time.
- Start with shorter days. Pregnancy, Birth and Baby suggests separating for shorter periods first to build confidence.
- Think about timing. The AAP suggests avoiding a start between 7 and 12 months if you can, or easing in gradually. KidsHealth suggests avoiding 8 months to 1 year. If your baby is already in care at this age, the AAP suggests spending a little extra time before goodbye.
- Use a regular drop-off routine. Pregnancy, Birth and Baby says a routine helps your child know what to expect.
- Work with the carers. Pregnancy, Birth and Baby suggests carers greet your child warmly, settle them into an enjoyable activity before you leave, and keep you updated on anything that might add to their anxiety.
For planning around a return to paid work, see returning to work.
Can a comfort object help, and is it safe in the cot?
Something familiar can help with separations during the day. The NHS suggests something linked to you, such as a scarf with your scent or a favourite toy, and Pregnancy, Birth and Baby suggests giving your child something to hold in a new situation.
Sleep is different. Red Nose's advice on soft toys and comforters, from Australia, strongly recommends no soft toys or comforters in the sleep space from birth to 7 months, corrected for prematurity. It recommends nothing in the sleep space for the first 12 months. From 7 months, it says parents can weigh up a small soft toy that isn't pillow-like and has no blanket or long fabric parts, and should remove it if their baby covers their face with it, rests their head on it, climbs on it or puts it in their mouth.
The NHS SIDS advice says not to put soft toys in the cot, and the AAP's safe sleep guide says nothing but a fitted sheet should be in the cot. Whatever you choose, keep your baby on their back for every sleep, on a firm, flat mattress, with nothing soft or loose around them. See safe sleep.
How can I help with separation anxiety at bedtime and overnight?
The AAP's guide to separation anxiety and sleep says that from the second half of the first year it can disrupt sleep for several months, and your child may need reassurance several times night after night until it fades.
- Keep a calm, predictable bedtime routine, so the last part of the day feels familiar.
- Tell your child calmly when you're leaving the room, then go, as the AAP suggests.
- When they call out overnight, keep your response brief, calm and similar each time.
- If you have a babysitter in the evening, the AAP suggests using a familiar one, or having a new sitter arrive before bedtime to get to know your child.
If night waking is becoming a pattern, night wakings, gradual retreat and responsive settling cover gentle approaches.
When is separation anxiety more than a normal stage?
Most children grow out of it. The AAP says it's rare for separation anxiety to continue on a daily basis after the preschool years.
Talk to your GP or child-health nurse if, as the NHS puts it, your child's separation anxiety is causing them a lot of distress, they stay upset for a long time after you've left, or it has been going on for more than a few weeks. Pregnancy, Birth and Baby also suggests seeing a doctor if the anxiety is severe, doesn't improve over time and affects daily life, or if you're simply worried.
Pregnancy, Birth and Baby says signs of separation anxiety disorder can include:
- reactions to separation that are excessive
- often worrying that something will harm you or separate you
- constantly refusing to leave home because of fear of separation
- distress causing symptoms such as nightmares
- separation anxiety lasting at least 4 weeks
It says about 1 in 25 preschool and school-age children develop an anxiety disorder. KidsHealth adds panic before a parent leaves, fear of sleeping alone and excessive worry about getting lost as signs to discuss with a doctor. It also notes that sudden separation anxiety in an older child can point to another problem, such as bullying, so it's worth asking gently what's changed.
What's worth noting down?
A few notes on when goodbyes are hardest (time of day, after poor sleep, a new carer) and how long your child takes to settle after you leave can show whether things are improving. If you do talk to a professional, these notes show how long it has been going on and how much it affects daily life.
